Increase resilience for transition #4: Phrases to say to your spouse to deepen your connection
What is resilience?
Although resilience is a term which is quite widely used, many people find it difficult to define what it actually means. For the purposes of this blog series on increasing resilience for transition, I’ll use this definition of resilience from Merriam-Webster’s online dictionary:
“an ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change”
7 things to say to your spouse or partner to deepen your connection
The idea of using ‘open-ended questions and phrases to navigate conflict and reconnect with your partner’ as suggested in this article immediately caught my interest.
Wendy Gould (the author) cites Dr Alexandra Solomon, a licensed clinical psychologist at The Family Institute at Northwestern University:
“Here’s the thing; it’s not the distraction or stressor itself that leads a couple to falter. It’s how the couple copes with them… Maladaptive coping strategies tend to come in two varieties: fight or flight. The ‘fighters’ cope with stress by becoming irritable, critical and impatient, while ‘flighters’ cope with stress by becoming withdrawn, silent or passive-aggressive.”
The author points out that defaulting to these coping strategies when times get tough leads to disengagement. Instead of these coping strategies, she suggests that you incorporate the following phrases into conversations with your partner. There are several benefits to using these phrases. They help keep you tuned into each other emotionally, open the lines of communication and help you to navigate conflict in a productive way.
The seven open-ended questions and phrases
Tell me more
Something I’m struggling with right now is…
…is bringing me joy right now
How do you want to feel…?
I am trying to understand your point of view
How can I show up for you this week?
It meant so much to me when you…
Why does deepening your connection with your spouse increase resilience in transition?
Relocation is characterised by a huge number of stressors—both large and small—throughout the entire process. Using these suggested open-ended questions and phrases with your partner helps you to you deal with stressors more effectively together. The questions and phrases also help you to check in with each other on how you’re coping with the changes which are inherent to the relocation process.
How I can help
Much of my work with families and international schools focuses on developing and maintaining resilience throughout relocation. I offer a range of approaches to best suit individual needs. My options for support for a resilient relocation include my hello/goodbye program, coaching and A New Adventure: Coaching Cards for an International Move.